I’ve been singing the same fragment of a tune for the last three weeks. My partner has put up with spontaneous outbursts of “sometimes they didn’t feed me far, far awaaaay” over and over and over again. It’s a line that Colin Firth sings in The King’s Speech.
So finally I got around to examining what my unconscious might be signaling to me, because maybe there’s a reason that this song that has been stuck so assiduously in my brain. Firth sings those lines when he talks for the first time about how he was abused as child. I have no such dark tales from my upbringing. He is also describing how he struggles to have confidence of his place in the world. I think that The King’s Speech is a beautiful movie because the stutter is a manifestation of that most basic longing in all of us: to find our voice.
And that’s what I’ve been struggling to do. Truth be told, I have been a most discombobulated person lately. While in Bangkok I’ve had a lovely time with family and friends, visiting old and mostly food-related haunts. But inside I am dwelling on the hiccups on my journey to write, or find my place as a writer. I didn’t get into the Masters in Fine Arts in Fiction that I applied for. Kickstarter knocked back my project idea, to fund the trip to Breadloaf with this book of travel essays. I could use a break from the universe, and I have been feeling like a fragile egg of a person, who just wants to quit the plan and crawl into a hole.
Luckily, Ross Hill pointed me to a post by Ev Bogue that is super-relevant to this situation. I do believe I am in a stage that he calles being scared shitless, as I embark on a shift change in my life and do the travel and self-publishing with abandon.
Here is Ev on the subject:
What doesn’t scare us shitless? What everyone else wants us to do. The art of conformity: doing what we’re told.
So, I say, ignore everybody. They’re scared shitless too.
What do you want to do that scares the shit out of you? I say do it.
It won’t be so scary afterwards. I promise.
Thanks for the clarification guys. I will just sit with this feeling until about a week from now, when I will be flying to India, and too busy being in the adventure to feel scared about the adventure.
Thanks for tuning in,